Timeline of a procrastinator’s all-nighter

It’s exam season and that means all across our lovely metropolis students are burning the midnight oil (or MacBook charger) in an attempt to teach themselves three months worth of material in the space of a night. It doesn’t matter how long we’ve been students: we procrastinators will never learn. To all of you crying into your coffees, while I can’t do anything to save you from the awful night you’re about to have, this list is my way of telling you that you are not alone.

8:00PM: I have time to watch one more episode.

12:00AM: I’m ready to start now.

12:30AM: These are way more notes than I remember. Oh I recognize this! But I can’t remember if the prof said we should spend no time on this…or most of our time on it. Hmm… I’ll ask someone on Facebook.

12:45AM: ARTICLE: “Woman gives birth to iguana, preaches abstinence”

1:30AM: What did I come on Facebook for again?

2:00AM: I bet this textbook would taste good deep-fried. But everything tastes good deep-fried.

2:30AM: How do you even become a hooker if that’s what you decide to do? Do you make cold calls? Can I even say hooker anymore?

2:31AM: Google: “is hooker politically correct”

2:35AM: ARTICLE: “Sous-chef and sex worker: my summer as a high class escort to a wealthy restaurateur”

3:00AM: If I want to sleep I’d better make up my mind now because once it hits 4 there’s no going back.

3:30AM: Google: “do law schools mean it when they say they take a holistic approach to considering applications”

4:00AM: What’s that quote by that guy? “I don’t let school get in the way of my education” or whatever. I’m gonna tweet that right now.

5:30AM: I might as well have slept. My notes were purely ornamental.

7:15AM: I don’t look cute enough to rest my head on this stranger’s shoulder. I hate commuting.

9:10AM: Looks over questions. Okay, I know how to half-answer about half these. Not bad, not bad…

11:15AM: As long as I get perfect on everything else for the rest of the year, I’m set. Good plan.

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