A Prediction of Your 2016 Based on How You Spend New Year’s Eve

Let’s ring in the New Year with some pseudoscience.

You know what they say. “How you spend your New Year’s Eve determines how you’ll spend the rest of your year.” I don’t know who “they” are (“They don’t want you to eat”) but I thought “they” might be on to something, so I opened an Excel spreadsheet, found my colourful calculator from Dollarama, and crunched the data. What I now have are predictions that are – kind of, sort of, definitely, maybe – indicative of how you will spend 2016 based on how you spend tonight.

 At A Club Event

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This one’s a toss up because the night will depend on a mixture of the event you choose and straight luck. You will a) spend a majority of the evening freezing in a line only to experience jostling instead of dancing once you get into the filled-to-capacity club. Or b) have a mildly VIP experience, and end the night by meeting a celebrity. If A happens to you, your year will be a series of late buses, near-perfect hair, and missed opportunities. If it’s B, your year will only be slightly different: your buses will still run late but you’ll be wearing your near-perfect hair to a better job or something. I don’t know what you were expecting; this isn’t an exact science. It’s not even science.

At a Restaurant

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The first thing this choice says about you is that you are strategic and you have your priorities straight. If you’re going to wait for anything it might as well be for a table that will soon have food on it. You could have cooked at home since presumably you are going out with whomever you would have stayed in with, but I get it: it’s New Year’s. You want to do something special. In 2016, you will stay within budget and make safe investments. You will also experience some sort of change where you are uncertain whether it’s something to celebrate or question. I’m thinking a job promotion with a better title, but the same salary.

At Home

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This doesn’t mean you’re not doing anything – quite the contrary! It’s not exactly a party, but there are definitely three or more people. Call it a gathering. A shindig. Whatever. The point is it is warm, and cozy, and most of you want to be there because only people who are new to town or masochistic would trap themselves in such an intimate setting with people they neither know nor like. This year most of your relationships will stay healthy, if not grow stronger. Your life will maintain its equilibrium. Someone in your life will get married or have a baby, and one of your friends will decide to move to Durham (the exact city is irrelevant).

In Another City

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Sunning in the Bahamas? Perhaps you’re wandering the streets of Vienna before you hop on a plane to London the next day. Your next year will be everything you want it to be. This is because you either have money and therefore can finance whatever resolution you have planned for the New Year, or you are very committed and resourceful which is how you were able to save up for and plan for a trip abroad on a very limited budget. Whatever the case congratulations on either being privileged or disciplined.

(For that small group of people who won a trip someplace, this method of making predictions has not yet established a way to process levels of fortune such as yours, so I have no predictions for you, but I am confident you are doing quite well on your own.)

Asleep

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You are the happiest out of all of us. I don’t know exactly why you’re asleep. Maybe you were working for the last two weeks and you’ll be damned if you skip rest to watch a digit change. It could be that while you are quite excited for the New Year, you didn’t really have time to plan something and you’re not about stressing yourself out doing something – anything – just to say you did. You will either have a super successful 2016 because of your hustle, or you will be happy no matter what because you are immune to FOMO and don’t measure your happiness based on what others are doing. To you guys, good night and see you in the New Year.

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